Moment With Betty

What is chastity? It is being pure in heart, the abstinence from unlawful sexual intercourse. Chastity is a costly pearl that must be guided well. We see chastity as that conjugal love which is the bond of fidelity between husband and wife. We also can be chaste through celibacy. Celibacy is when one is unmarried and/or abstains from sexual activities. We see this mostly when one is called to become a Priest, Reverend Sister or Nun.  When one says yes to this vocation, one is automatically saying yes to chastity.

 The Catechism of the Catholic church(CCC) tells us that the chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him or her. This integrity ensures that the unity of the person is opposed to any behavior that will impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech. Let us not be carried away and think that chastity is the suppression of sexual desire. More precisely, it is the orientation of one’s life towards its highest desire for Jesus Christ.  Without the guidance of Jesus Christ, chastity can appear to be unreasonable.

 We can look at the life of Saint Joseph, he lived a chaste life, and this is a life that we should all try to emulate. When you chaste, you have to be pure in heart. For married people, you have to live a chaste life all through your married life and not to be having extra marital affairs.  We cannot allow ourselves to be lost particularly when we see the opposite sex and we are like wao!  this person is handsome or so beautiful and we allow ourselves to be carried away by passion.  You have to be dedicated to your spouse, be guided and not allow anyone to come in between you and your spouse.  This brings us to true love.

 When we talk about true love we are looking at unwavering and unpaneled fondness between spouse or lovers who are in a passionate and fulfilling relationship. This relationship has to be a lasting one. True love brings an aura of beauty around us as also courage and confidence in us. True love is not only about how our body feels or how you view someone in a relationship. The sign of true love in a relationship includes security, respect and understanding. In fact, true love in real sense involves how you act in a relationship with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone that you sincerely love. Immediately you start having that kind of feeling, then, two of you should start thinking about marriage. At this point courtship comes in and you wish to live together with that person and raise a family.

  One may ask, what courtship is, the answer is not far- fetched. Courtship is the solicitation of a woman to marriage. It involves the expression of appreciation to the person you are courting for who he or she is rather than taking that person for granted.  In courtship, one has to be sincere in everything one does and not pretend to be whom one is not.  You have to live the way God has created you, be natural. Your real self has to flow just the way the tap water runs so that if you observe anything unhealthy in the person’s attitude, character etc., that you don’t like while courting, you discuss it and see how those things could be corrected. You will also put it into prayer and wish for the best. If nothing changes, that means that you are already seeing a defect. The next thing is to consider if you will be able to cope with that defect. If trying to bring about a positive change in that person fails then, you can consult a counsellor for help or the necessary steps to take.

Take for example, if your partner is a womanizer or very temperamental or the person continuously beats you while in courtship and you have explored every possible means to make him or her to change, then you may have to take a step back to think through the relationship properly. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain habits that are not easily changed.  It takes the grace of God for a womanizer, a flirt or a wife/ husband – beater and even a bully, to change within a space of time.

 In courtship, it is expected that partners should be of their best behaviour because at that point each of them is trying to please the other person and look forward to a positive future. However, where they exhibit the worst side of themselves, how can you expect a miraculously change overnight?  Therefore, if after seeing all the defects and you still insist on going along with the marriage, you will need to examination your conscience thouroughly to be sure that this is what you really want and be convinced that you want to go into that marriage and accept whatever comes your way there. You may probably need to device a strong mechanism to help you deal with whatever you see in the marriage.  Remember that marriage is a life time project. It should not be treated like a market place where one goes in to buy stuffs and goes out afterwards. Just as the saying goes,” marriage is not a bed of roses” we win some and we lose some. However, love, trust and care, helps us to move on.

During courtship, we need to try to control our body, we should not compromise our body thinking that we will be loved more. Truly I say to you, for a woman, you will be loved less if you cheapen yourself during courtship. Having an intimate relationship is something that the partners should desire and look forward to when they have solemnized their marriage if it pleases God. 

Having said that, marriage is the legal union of a man and a woman as husband and wife. When you think about marriage, you should see it as a long –term project that should be cheerished and appreciated. Looking at the origin of marriage, which is Love. Scripture tells us that God is love and the idea of true love comes from God Himself. The feeling and capacity of loving the opposite sex, comes from God. Let us therefore , take time to think about this thing called: Love: 

Just imagine yourself falling in love with somebody you don’t know from Adam, nor even know where he or she comes from but providence brings the two of you together. Doesn’t it sound strange? That tells us that this is God’s design from Heaven.  It is a vocation that has been ordained by God from time immemorial.  So, when there is true love before marriage, when we are not going into marriage because of material things or fame but going into it because of true love and because we believe in that vocation that God has assigned to us, one will go to any length to protect it and make it work because as the saying goes, it is for better for worse, till death do us part, except of course in the case of deceit from the beginning then, you can now talk about annulment.  But if it is because of any other reason or circumstance, it will be appropriate for you to seek the advice of a counselor or your Spiritual Director so that peace can be brokered in the marriage. Don’t forget that we all have our crosses to carry and believe it or not, your husband is your cross so also your wife and both of you are the way to heaven for each other and your children too.

We just have to find the best way to carry our crosses and carry it well. One of the ways of doing this will be by remaining calm in time of argument and later go to your inner room and discuss with your spouse rather that raise your voices at each other or blame each other in public.  Be calm and try to correct each other fraternally, in the secret of your bedroom with love. No one says that there will not be any disagreement or pain in marriage but where there is love, trust and understanding, all of these would not be an issue.

Let us never stop praying for God’s guidance and wisdom to see us through and not forget to ask the Blessed Virgin Mary for her intercession and help for peace to reign in your home.