Moment With Betty

Last week, we started the discussion on how to rekindle a stale marriage and in that write up we defined a stale marriage as a marriage that has lost its freshness, that has become rusty, dry and stagnant and what have you. We also highlighted some of the causes and probable solutions that can help us to revive a stale marriage.

So, in this concluding part, l will like to highlight other causes and possible steps we can take to re-spark, rekindle or revive a stale marriage.  When couples argue with each other and adopt the monolog communication system, meaning that both of them are talking at the same time without listening to each other, that could be a big problem. When such situation arises, that means that no one will accept responsibility of any fault because they would not have heard anything that each of them said during that period of argument, let alone understand the complaints.

– Another situation is where one of the spouses is engaged in an adulterous relationship, that can also trigger a sour relationship. 

-Laziness and dirtiness by the wife and littering of the house by the husband which makes the house untidy or disorganized can also lead to a stale marriage.

– Using a wrong language and lack of proper communication. Sometimes it could be the way we relate with our in-laws either by insulting them, transferred anger from a spouse, maltreating them and disrespecting them. These could create a big problem for the marriage if not well managed.

 – Something as little as the wife’s meal not being tasty or failure to prepare the meal on time could be an issue for some men. I believe that if a couple have stayed together for a while, they should be able to know their spouse’s likes and dislikes and try to respect them. Remember the saying which says that “respect is reciprocal”. If you don’t respect your spouse at home, in public and more especially in the presence of your in-laws, you should know that you are calling for trouble.  A man could swallow any insult from his wife at home but not in public and especially not before his family members.  No matter what the problem is or how hurt a wife may be, she needs to be careful of how she talks or displays her anger in the presence of her in –laws. If you ask me, l would say, allow the man to handle his family members who misbehave rather than you, the woman engaging in an argument with the guilty in- law.  The opposite is also the case for men. We should also avoid letting family members think for us and dictate what happens in our homes. When we are stressed and find ourselves in an argument, we should be careful not to escalate the issue. We need to control our temper and restrain ourselves in the face of provocation.

– Another delicate one is when couples start bargaining with sex, i.e. when they start experiencing the absence of romance in the relationship as a result of one party’s lack of interest. I mean no intimacy, no fun activities with each other.  This can be dangerous to the marriage.

 Just like l mentioned in part 1 of this topic last week that the first ticket to rekindling your marriage is getting your priorities right. You need to make efforts to improve your attitude towards your spouse, children and home.  A man’s attitude determines how he attends to a matter. Trust me, many people have wrong attitudes towards their spouses and marriages. When you exhibit a wrong attitude, it kills love in marriage, but when you exhibit the right attitude, it pleases God and it signifies peaceful and vibrant marriage.

 In marriage we have conflicts from time to time as our spouses complain about certain things in our lives that offend and make them uncomfortable.  To revive your stale marriage, you need to look into areas of these complaints by your spouse and work on overcoming them so that peace will reign supreme in your home. There is a breaking point for every man and woman. There is a point when every man and woman seem to lose patience. That your spouse has been quiet, calm and tolerant does not mean that you should continue to do offensive things that annoy him or her.  You cannot claim to love someone and you continue to make the person uncomfortable. If you are genuinely in love with your spouse, you will look into the complain areas and make effort to change in order to please your spouse and make him/her happy.

Life they say is a teacher, just as we go to school to get education, so also we learn and gain experience in marriage. It is expected that we use the experience we encounter in marriage to make necessary corrections and adjustments in order to improve our lives and marriages. If you have so far not learnt from your experience in marriage, then you need to do more to restore hope.

Often times we are busy pointing accusing fingers at each other and fail to look inwards, to examine ourselves and identify our faults. We always believe that we are not in the wrong but that our spouse is and so we forget the adage that says that “no one is perfect except, God”. So I ask, does any of those accusations ever solve any problem? The answer is no. Therefore, l suggest that we work on ourselves and seek the grace of God to help us change and I guarantee you that your marriage will turn around for good and the peace that has eluded you for a while will eventually reign in your marriage.  So, Change!

Finally, give attention to your spiritual life with God. You and I know that it is not easy to change but with the help of God, everything is possible. Draw close to God and allow Him breathe life into you and help you handle what you cannot handle by yourself.  

Get help, if you think that things are getting out of hand and you are unable to handle them anymore by yourself. Sometimes our efforts are not enough to make the expected change that will improve our marriages and when this happens, we may need to get help from a marriage counselor who is grounded in the Lord. Do not be proud to accept that you need help, go for it and save your marriage or rekindle it.