Moment With Betty

According to the Nigerian Act 1961, parental consent is required for the marriage of a party under the age of maturity, which was formerly 21 but is now 18.

The issue of age in marriage has been a problem for many singles. It is either, what is the right age to marry, or is it right to marry an older person or even persons of the same age and what are the consequences if any? More disturbing, is the apprehension that comes as a girl approaches 30 years without an on – going relationship. The pressure that comes from parents, family members, and friends to get married before a certain age is a big challenge for many because it upsets, distracts their focus, and sometimes leads to depression.

So, here is the question, what is the right age to get married? For me, there is no fixed age for marriage. However, it is important to state that marriage is only for mature persons, that is men and women and not for boys and girls, just as is written in the bible “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife and they become one” – Genesis, 2: 24.

Couples with an age gap of 1 to 3 years (with the man older than the woman) are common and believably have the greatest levels of satisfaction. Satisfaction in relationships decreases slightly for couples with age gaps of 4 to 6 years and continues to decrease for couples with an age gap of 7 or more years. – www.http://mindpath.com.  According to Mind Path Health’s Brandy Porche, “When it comes to love, age is just a number”., “Some couples might find that a big age difference impacts their relationship significantly over time. Others may feel that what makes them compatible is more important than a gap in years”.

In today’s world adult age begins from 16 years for some parts of the Western world while in Nigeria, it starts from 18 years, and at this same age, people can be issued a driving license, and voter’s card and even allowed to watch movies with serious content and so on.  But let us be reminded that 18-year-olds are still regarded as teenagers because they still have a lot of growing up to do before they can really be seen as mature. Aside from being mature by age, they need to be emotionally mature enough to control their emotions. Marriage they say is for those who can handle emotional challenges in relationships. One needs to develop oneself to become temperate and be able to control one’s temper and not allow temper to control one.  More importantly, one should be mature enough to differentiate between love and lust.

One needs to be psychologically mature so that your thoughts will determine your words and emotions (that is one’s feelings and actions). Remember that as we think so we feel, as we think so we act. Mind management is said to be the first priority in the school of success.  You will always relate to your spouse as you think, if you don’t know how to control your thoughts in the midst of frustrations and disappointments, your hands will be full of trouble. So psychological maturity is very important and it is key to a successful marriage. Therefore, if you intend to succeed, start now to learn how to control what enters your mind and what you meditate on. Because it is not really the physical age that is the problem but your willingness and determination to train yourself to manage your thoughts. Suffice it to say that an 18-year-old who has learned the art of mind management will be considered ready for marriage more than a 38-year-old who hasn’t learned the art of mind management. Thus, being the older partner doesn’t guarantee emotional maturity, just like being younger doesn’t always mean you’re less mature.

Be that as it may, is it all right to marry a man older than you by, say, over ten years?

For me, it is a matter of choice rather than the generally accepted norm in the society where one comes from. There is really nowhere that it is written, in the bible or anywhere specifying the age of the person (male or female) to marry. What l think should be the deciding factors are:

1. Do you love him with all your heart?
2. Does he love you dearly?
3. Does he turn you on, l mean to get you excited?
4. Are you marrying him because there is no one else or is it because he fascinates you?
5. If a younger person comes and asks for your hand in marriage, will you still hold onto him or not?
6. Are you ready to submit to him?
7. Will you be proud to introduce him in public, to your family and friends?
8. Does he treat you as a wife should be treated or as a daughter?

If the answers to the above questions are in the affirmative then, go ahead and marry him and be happy.

 In the same vein, is it right to marry a woman that is older than you?

Just as written above, there is no place in the bible where it is written or commanded that a man should marry a woman younger than him. It has been the tradition or norm to say that men over the years marry women younger than them because it makes them comfortable and also gives them peace and probably takes away the fear of insubordination from the woman. There is a general belief or feeling that the older woman may not be submissive to the man hence the choice to marry a younger woman. But trust me, that is not the case, at least not these days. Nowadays, even women who are 20 years younger or more than their husbands, rebel against them. So, it is not about age, it is about the training and discipline of the individual woman. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with a man marrying a woman older than him. Just bear in mind that you will have society to contend with because some will frown at it while some will gossip about it.

Another aspect of it is, a man marrying a woman of the same age. There is basically nothing wrong with it as long as the couple knows and respects each other’s position in the home. Despite the fact that they are both of the same age, the bible says that the man is the head of the family and the woman should respect that and not rub shoulders with the man. Both parties should respect each other’s position and always adopt smooth and effective communication all the time. They must imbibe the virtue of patience and humility for them to enjoy their marriage and sustain it till death do them part.

 So in all of these, be it the case of a man marrying a woman older than him or marrying a woman of the same age, the bottom line here is, how strong is their love.

1. Do they both love each other from their hearts?
2. Is their love so strong that they cannot live without each other? or are they marrying because they could not find someone else?
3. Are they both proud to be associated with each other and will they be proud to introduce each other to their family members, friends and colleagues.?
4. Will the woman be willing to submit to the man as though he is older than her and as long as she is willing to do that, there is no problem.

As long as the man and woman can sincerely and honestly answer these questions from their hearts, then they will be able to make the right decisions.

Another question that has come up in several quarters is, what is the best age for one to get married? Asides from attaining the legally acceptable age of maturity in your country, the question of the best age of marriage depends on different factors as it concerns the individuals.  While a successful marriage can occur at any point in life, some experts believe that persons between the ages of 20 and 30 are most conducive to a harmonious partnership. This makes me wonder if this is the reason many ladies are always desirous to find a partner on time because of the fear that they will get to 30 years and it will become difficult to get one.

 Across the world, it is a common experience that men love to marry younger women and not older women for different reasons.  The most common reason is the strange fear that older women may have difficulty in bearing children. They, however, forget the fact the power of childbearing lies with God and the healthiness of the woman’s reproductive organs. Thus, a young girl with defective reproductive organs may have a problem conceiving. Therefore, it may not be right to reject an older woman simply because of the issue of childbearing.  There is also the fear that the older woman will grow older quicker than the younger woman. This theory also does not follow because there are women today who are above 60 years but are gifted by God with a very youthful look and good health. So, it is all about the grace of God, as given to individuals.

A recent study done by Nick Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah, and published by the generally pro-marriage Institute of Family Studies, suggests the best age for marriage is between 28 and 32. According to him, people who get married between these ages split up at least in the succeeding years. He believes that waiting longer to get hitched usually leads to more stability in marriage. Another study says that there are lots of reasons why the late 20s to early 30s would make sense as a time to start a lifelong partnership with someone. It says that people are old enough to understand if they really get along with someone or are just blinded by hormones. They’ve already made significant life choices and taken on some responsibilities. And they may be financially solvent enough to contemplate supporting someone should the need arise. Moreover, they would have understood their communication skills and styles and established how well their overall values align.

This brings me to your behavior in marriage. How mature is your behavior? Whether you marry a younger, older, or someone of the same age, it doesn’t really matter. Your behavior is important because it reveals who you are. You may pretend for a while but someday, the true you will manifest. So, examine and understand yourself, and know your habits and character.  As you enter into this new relationship, eliminate that which needs to be eliminated, perfect that which needs to be perfected, and adjust that which needs to be adjusted. I mean, clean up yourself and imbibe good character and behavior that will help you have a healthy marriage. Show maturity in your relationship, and carry every member of your new family along, both those who believe in you and those who do not. Learn how to love and be loved, bear and forgive, and settle quarrels. Prepare yourself for the good, bad, and ugly because you will experience it just as you might have experienced in your own family before the marriage. Learn how to communicate effectively so that you can nourish and sustain a relationship. It is not about your age but about your readiness for the institution of marriage. The relationship is not about “I love you” and giving and receiving gifts and flowers, it is all about all that you are and manifest daily in yourself to make yourself mature.

 You have to also be spiritually mature because an unspiritual man or woman is an incomplete person. So, give attention to your spiritual life.  Your relationship with God, which should be the most important you have in this life, determines how everything will turn out in your life. You and l know that change is not easy to effect in one’s life but with the help of God the Father, God The Son, and God the Holy Spirit, it will be possible. Note that you cannot go into this marital journey and succeed excellently without the help of God. So, draw closer to God and don’t lean on your own understanding and strength alone. Allow God to breathe life into you and help you handle what you cannot handle. May God help you as you do so. Amen