Rekindling a stale marriage- Part 1

What is a stale marriage? – A stale marriage is a marriage that has lost its freshness. A marriage that has become rusty, dry and stagnant.  It means that the marriage is no more vibrant, has lost its vigor and is no more exciting. It has no spark.

It means that the couple has lost interest in each other and may be tired of living as a couple and might be considering separation or quitting the marriage completely. It could also be that the couple are still living together and have no intention of going their separate ways for some reasons yet do not derive the joy of companionship anymore.  There is little or no conversation between them because they find it difficult to have any conversation without fighting. A stale marriage is where the couple does not seem to care about each other’s welfare but only care about themselves and the children.

At the early stage of the marriage becoming stale, the relationship could be revived if the couple are observant to notice that they are drifting apart, that things are no more as it used to be, that there is an ugly situation brewing and agree to discuss it.  For this to happen, the couple will need to put extra efforts to communicate more frequently, be open or transparent with each other, listen to each other, create more time to access themselves and give without expecting anything in return.  But if the couple do not address the situation immediately and allow the marriage to become stale, the tendency is that, the door of infidelity may be open. It means that any of the couple might seek for happiness outside the home and this would complicate, worsen the problem in the marriage and make it more difficult to salvage. This is the reason it is very important that couples be very mindful of their relationship and look for opportunities to renew their love at any given time so that the marriage doesn’t go stale.

For us to find a solution to any problem, it is pertinent to first identify the causes so that it will be easier for solutions to be proffered. Be that as it may, let’s look at some of the things that can make a marriage to be stale: –

1. Lack of proper communication.
2. Lack of support for each other.
3. Refusal to overlook an offence, keeping records of offences committed and recalling them.
4. Refusal to admit one’s wrong and apologize.
5. Refusal to forgive when hurt.
6. Self- centeredness or selfishness.
7. Not giving a listening ear to your spouse.
8. Prejudiced in relating with each other’s family members.
9. Continuous nagging and fault finding by either of the couple.
10. Lack of provision and mismanagement of funds by the couple.
11. Lack of stirred affection.
12. Putting your job or business first before your family.

Having highlighted some reasons which can make a marriage go stale, let’s also look at the actions that we can take to help revive a stale marriage: –

1. Communicate regularly. Set aside time daily (during the day, or before bedtime) to have a real talk.
2. Create routine date night. If a recurring issue in your marriage is boredom, then having a date night is a great way to break the mold.
3.  Don’t just talk:  listen and don’t interrupt: -Listening is equally essential to communication and when we keep interrupting our spouses, it doesn’t give chance to voice opinions or feelings and this makes one feel ignored and unimportant.

•  Let each person stay in his or her God- given role: Don’t try to hijack each other’s role. A close study of the bible on marriage reveals that leadership of the family is given to the man and should be taken very seriously. The administration of the home is on the shoulders of the husband and the father of the children of the marriage.

• Get your priorities right: Prioritize your relationship. If you don’t get your relationship priorities right, your marriage will continue to suffer. Before a man marries, his parents, brothers and sisters are his most important relations, but after marriage, his relationship with his wife becomes the most important one. Many find this very difficult to comprehend but trust, if you don’t manage this well, you will pay dearly for it.  Genesis 2: 24 says” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife and they both become one”. God’s plan is that for a marriage to succeed, those starting a marriage relationship must leave their parents and families, unite and build a godly family that will bring glory to God.

• Stand with your spouse: Defend your spouse and never join your family to fight and oppress your spouse. Make it clear to your family that your spouse is your other half and must not be treated otherwise.  If your spouse commits an offence or offends any member of your family, join him / her to resolve the issue amicably rather than join your family members to castigate or rubbish your spouse.

• Never allow your children to take the place of your spouse: Your spouse must come first. Remember that it takes both of you to bring the children to this world. You must get the order properly, it is your spouse, the children, your parents, siblings, relatives, friends and others. So, give adequate attention to your spouse. Spend time together to cement your union.

• Give, give and give (without expecting immediate return): When marriages are stale, we keep waiting for the other person to make the first move. No, don’t do that.  We can’t expect our spouses to be the first to act always so, when the moment present itself, why not give it a try? Be the first to act. Give him/her a head or foot massage when they come home from work tired. Don’t wait for any to complain, do it with love and for love.

• View your spouse and marriage positively: How you see things determines how you relate and respond to your spouse. If you focus on the wrong things you are seeing in your spouse, the love you have will die quickly but if you give your attention to the positive things you see in your spouse, you will be encouraged to continue and remain in the relationship with all excitement. – Proverb 4:23 says “Be careful how you think, your life is shaped by your thoughts”

1. Don’t dwell on what happened in the past, forget it and focus on the present and what you believe God for about your marriage. Look out for changes in your spouse attitude, behavior and character and stop thinking of the worst of your spouse. Be optimistic that things will get better with every passing day-. Isaiah 43: 18 – 19, “Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. Watch for the new thing l am going to do. It is happening already- you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness.

1. Be Transparent: – I know that one of the advice that couples receive on the day of their wedding is, keep your marital problems between yourselves and try to resolve them. However, when the issue seems to be beyond you to handle, it will not make sense to keep them to yourselves. Transparency with friends who can give us great wisdom on our marriages is a gift that can’t be ignored. We probably will need to look for friends who are older in marriage and who might have experienced similar situations and could offer counsel that would significantly impact our marriage positively now and in the future. Talk to them, there’s no such thing as a fool-proof equation for a perfect marriage, but there are ways in which we could improve our relationships. It requires a little determination, a lot of grace, and a great deal of effort.
2.  Manage your temperament and emotions to achieve peace, unity and happiness: – Anger is a spoiler. Don’t allow it to destroy your peace and happiness. Control your anger and manage it and you will see how your marriage will become peaceful and blossom to your delight. Control your thoughts especially the unpleasant ones. Angry thoughts will build and strengthen anger whereas, loving thoughts will stop anger from rising and help you focus on what will make you to continue to love your spouse.  Forgive your spouse for the wrongs of the past and believe that he or she will become a better person. (To err they say is human but to forgive is divine) Forgiveness heals relationships but bitterness kills relationships. Leave the past in the past and look ahead with hope and love.  Be optimistic that tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

  As we conclude on the first part of the topic, work on your intimacy.  Be close with each other, spend some quality time together, love requires time. The more you spend time together, the closer you become. The more you understand each other, the more intimate your relationship becomes.  Be free to share your problems and inner thoughts with each other. It will give you some security in the marriage. Support each other financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Give a listening ear to each other and empathize with each other. Never allow your children, extended family and job to take away the time you should have spent with your spouse. The proof of love is the investment of time.  

Give your spouse attention and you will be glad you did.  Pray together!